I Saw...The Green Hornet

Well, through good fortune and my wife's ability to find free stuff online, we got a chance to see The Green Hornet tonight, before it opened to the general public, in 3D no less.  I'd never been to one of these early premieres, but it's actually pretty intense security.  No cell phones or other recording devices allowed in (lest it show up on The Pirate Bay a full two hours before it is actually released...egad).  They were even wanding people with a metal detector.  So no bootleg footage...but they didn't say anything about no wordsmithin'!  So I thought I'd review it before the release date, just like the professional cynical critics out there!

So, you're asking in a now-bored inner voice, how was it?  Fun, but definitely a mixed bag.

Book Review of "Eldren: The Book of the Dark" (William Meikle)

Eldren: The Book of the Dark  (William Meikle)

In this modern age of sparkly, lovesick vampires who just want to assimilate with the human population and/or subsist on bottled synthetic blood (serve at 98.6 F for optimum flavor!), it is sometimes oddly refreshing to turn back to earlier perceptions.  The vampires in William Meikle’s Eldren: The Book of the Dark have no such effete ambitions—they simply wish to feed and multiply the old fashioned way.

Meikle does a very good job of generating a brisk story, set in the downtrodden Scottish town of Finsburgh in the present day, with a biblically inspired mythological origin for the vampire race.  The titular book is scriptural account of God’s creation of the vampire race—the Eldren—and the trials and tribulations that have led them to their current status as creatures of the night consumed by a thirst for blood.  The town is in for more than economic trouble when a young boy unwittingly awakens one of the most powerful of the Eldren, imprisoned in a forgotten cellar for hundreds of years.  Soon the whole town becomes a hunting ground, and not just for blood.  Meikle’s vampires multiply in the way that used to be standard in these stories…simply by biting, a victim is in danger of being turned.  This is actually an interesting plot device that adds the element of the ticking clock to the action.  The heroes must stop the evil before the entire town is consumed by the thirst that shows no distinction between man, woman, or child.

5 One-Off Lines That Make Movies Better

One of the things that can drag even a good movie down is bad dialogue, especially among secondary characters.  No amount of set design, plot intricacies, or stunning leading performances can escape untarnished from a terrible delivery of one line that is clearly just filler.  That stuff lingers with the viewer (or at least with me).  Sure, sometimes you can get around the problem by eliminating dialogue altogether, but most films have a need for more than one character who is not a mute volleyball.

However, occasionally you get one-off lines of dialogue that, while not directly affecting the overall story arc, are nevertheless priceless bits of movie magic.  Often they end up being the quotes you throw around with your friends.  Sometimes they’re just a nice pick-me-up or change of tone.  And sometimes they cross into the sublime and actually elevate the movie to something it might not have been. 

Following are five examples of this phenomenon that I think best describe it.  I wanted to embed audio or video clips of each line, but due to licensing agreements, apparent Blogger deficiencies, and my own technical incompetence, I can't.  If you've seen the movies referenced then you may recognize the lines.  If you haven't seen them in a while, try watching again and keep your ears open.

1.  “Eat it, Harvey!”  (Richard Thornberg, Die Hard)

Journalism in action, ca 1988.

This, to me, is the quintessential example of what I’m referring to.  On the surface, this line has nothing, nothing to do with John McClain, the Nakatomi Towers, the terrorists, or anything related to the plot in any way.  And yet when slimy reporter Richard Thornberg hurls this outburst at the L.A. news anchor, in the middle of his passionate request to take a mobile unit to the site of what he suspects is the news story of the year, it is a window into their relationship.  These men hate each other, that much is obvious from the lines exchanged, but there’s more right there under the surface.  See how Harvey invites the insult with a passive-aggressive jibing of an apparently under-achieving colleague.  Check the look on Thornberg’s face as he delivers the line, the simple “I am just so tired of your shit” look.  And this tiny moment hints at a back story for him that shines a light on why he would stoop to the levels he eventually reaches in the film’s last act.  He should be sitting in that anchor’s chair, and he can get it with a big enough scoop.  And he doesn’t care how many journalism ethics codes he has to violate to get one.

2.  “My name is Ranger John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicki.”  (Ranger John Johnson, So I Married an Axe Murderer)

"Now here's something the other tour guides won't tell you..."

Okay, this movie isn’t the greatest thing put to film.  It’s probably not even the greatest thing Mike Myers has put to film (that would probably be Austin Powers if you’re talking about funny, or the Shrek franchise if you’re talking about money).  But other than Myers’ Scottish cartoon character of a father, the character I love the most is Phil Hartman’s Alcatraz tour guide.  His menacing tone and heavy glower assure the tour group, and the viewer, that he absolutely will not tolerate any crap from any of us, his flinty eyes reflecting the hundreds of nightstick beatings he’s surely handed out.  Then he requests that we call him “Vicki.”  It takes a scene that would be a lazy bit of exposition, and a “hey, the movie is set in San Francisco so we should shoot lots of well-known landmarks” bit of drudgery, and immediately makes it a gleeful walk through the world’s most famous prison.  This way to the cafeteria!

3.  “Most things in here don’t react too well to bullets.”  (Captain Marko Ramius, The Hunt for Red October)

Also:  "Shuck it, Trebek!"

If this little gem were uttered by any person other than Sean Connery, it would sound hackneyed and vapid.  “No shit nuclear missiles don’t like being shot at!” would be my instant reaction, and probably yours.  Connery being who he is, though, it totally works.  Whether it’s the deadpan, world-weary delivery, or the simple fact that the last word is pronounced “boolletsh,” the line somehow makes the subsequent scene that much more tense and high-stakes.  I was actually tempted to go with Alec Baldwin’s repetition of the line later in the scene (in a near-perfect Connery impression, no less!) but decided that the original is really what elevates the scene. 

Honorable Mention:  “Would you mind not firing…at the thermo…nuclear…weapons.” (John Travolta, Broken Arrow)

Terrible movie, but fantastic villain.  I still whistle his theme song from time to time when I want to annoy my wife.

4.  “That about sums it up for me.”  (Ralph, Groundhog Day)

This is seriously the best picture the internet has to offer to illustrate this scene.  Seriously, Internet?  After all we've been through together?

Is there a more quotable film than Groundhog Day?  Hell, you get multiple chances to hear half the greatest lines, and they’re delivered by some of the greatest comic character actors ever.  This one is literally a toss-off:  sitting at the bowling alley bar with Ralph and Gus (who wishes he’d stayed in the Navy), Phil has finally determined that he’s stuck in some sort of loop, and that maybe he can’t ever get out.  So he muses that maybe nothing you’ll ever do matters, and Ralph’s reply, delivered with the resignation of career small-towner, perfectly captures the tone of the situation Phil has found himself in.  There really is no escaping Punxsutawney in winter, so why not get drunk at the bowling alley?

5.  “Hey, that’s good advice!”  (Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own)

Dugan, pictured here avoiding the clap.

Tom Hanks brought the character of washed-up major leaguer Dugan to life.  The lines everyone remembers about no crying in baseball and girls not being ballplayers are justifiably awesome, but they don’t qualify for this list because they are a metaphor for the key theme of the film:  the acceptance of women’s ability to compete in a heretofore men’s-only club.  This line, accompanying his autographed admonition to beware of venereal disease, is not only the last big laugh of the movie.  It also short-circuits the tempting cliché of making Dugan’s character now a progressive feminist or something.  He’s still the crass, foul-mouthed bastard he was at the beginning of the film…he just now accepts that girls aren’t just what you sleep with after the game.  But if you do so, it is still good advice.  No arguing with common sense.

Ha-Ha, Next Day or Two...

In what should not be a surprise to anyone who reads this space, I've gone a week without posting a word, again.  And after I promised you new content within the next day.  The nerve of that guy!

Anyway, I've settled on a new blog design scheme.  Or rather, I've decided to not settle on a single one.  I like the general layout, which I'll keep, but I've got the flexibility to change the background image to whatever suits the current world outlook, or my mood.  If you're anywhere in the Midwest today, you'll find my current background very appropriate, no?

More to come.
-Jon

New Design...What Do You Think?

I've grown tired of the existing design for the blog, so I'm rolling out something new.  When I started writing this thing, it was sort of a "well, whatever pops up first is okay" decision to run with the bookshelves in the background, but now I notice that lots of other blogs, especially in the book review community, have very similar designs, and I should at least TRY to stand out.  So naturally I've gone with something more plain-looking...go figure.

Anyway, I'd like some feedback if you want to take two minutes and leave a comment.  Should I continue with this sleeker design?  Should I go back to the bookshelves?  Should I take some time and truly customize something, and if so, what sort of images, as my loyal and elite readership, do you feel best represent the spirit of the blog?

I eagerly awate your responses.  BTW, expect more content going up in the next day or two, probably more short fiction.  Thanks!
-Jon

6 Inescapable Christmas Songs That Make Me Happy

At the risk of sounding like an old man, it seems like holiday music starts leaking out of the radio earlier and earlier every year.  A local Christian station started playing 24-hour Christmas tunes on November 1st--I guess you wouldn't want to sully them with Halloween or anything.  By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, at least 1/3 of the FM band will be devoted to traditional holiday classics, and contemporary abominations (I'm looking at you, Mariah Carey).  And at least once a day, I will be ambushed with that damn "Hippopotamus for Christmas" song, which will then be in my head until a better alternative arrives (as it now is in yours...you're welcome).

But fear not, for there are safe zones in the wilderness.  These are the songs that invariably arrive every December that I can listen to again and again, and none of them will drive me to do something that will get me in the papers tomorrow.

The Carpenters,  "Sleigh Ride"



Hands-down my favorite version of my favorite Christmas carol.  It's ironically tragic that some of the most heart-warming and time-tested holiday songs were performed by such a troubled figure in Karen Carpenter.  Those husky vocals never fail to make me crave coffee and pumpkin pie (their version of "Home For the Holidays" also makes me want home-made pumpkin pie, in Pennsylvania no less).  

The Muppets,  "12 Days of Christmas"



BAH-DOM-bom-bom!  John Denver and the Muppets...it's like Rogers and Astair, Lewis and Martin, Farley and Spade, Chocolate and Peanut Butter.  I'm pretty sure that this is the version that actually taught me the song as a child, though it was a little embarrassing when I realized that one verse isn't actually just "ME-ME ME-ME ME-ME!" a-la Beaker.

Bing Crosby and David Bowie,  "Little Drummer Boy"



If there are two more different people performing a song together, I'm having a hard time coming up with it (well, maybe Elton John and Eminem, but that wasn't a Christmas song...).  But it totally works--Bing, old school baritone, Bowie, vaguely androginous tenor, and just perfect harmony.  This one is my wife's personal favorite, I think at least partly because it reminds her of the time she snuck out of the house to travel across the state to see Bowie play with Nine Inch Nails when she was in high school--and grounded.  Sorry honey, secret's out.

Paul McCartney,  "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time"



I'm a rather well-known Beatle-disliker (I'm probably the only person on Earth who likes McCartney with Wings better than with the other Liverpudlians).  But there's just something about that opening synthesizer that hooks my attention every time.  Though if you play this song too many times in a row, I think a large part of the world loses all meaning.  (Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-dong-dong-dong...)

Trans-Siberian Orchestra,  "Wizards in Winter"



If you've never seen TSO in concert, do so.  Like, tomorrow.  But until then, the video clip above will hold you over.  Christmas lights synced to this song is actually a pretty popular trend lately, since the Miller commercial last year featured it (incidentally on a house a few miles from my own...fun fact).  I wavered between this one and the always powerful "Sarajevo 12/24" but went with "Wizards" because it's more rarely heard in the wild.  Rock on, Kringle.

Vince Guaraldi,  "Christmas Time is Here"



I'd like to finish with the quintessential "watching evening snow" melody.  The Charlie Brown specials have lost a little bit of luster for me personally as I've gotten older, but when you have kids you rediscover the things that you always truly loved about them.  Vince Guaraldi's soft jazz is one of those things, and is always a comfort to troubled souls.  Enjoy...

Book Review of "Dead Forever: Awakening"

Dead Forever: Awakening  (William Campbell)

Immortality is a well-worn theme in fantasy and sci-fi.  It’s in a neck-and-neck tie with “world domination” as the most popular goal for villains in all sorts of stories, driving the ambitions of everyone from Voldemort to Emperor Palpatine.  It is also in heavy rotation currently with the numberless volumes that have been written on vampires, zombies, and other monstrous denizens traditionally associated with everlasting life.  In these examples immortality is ultimately given a negative connotation, with nearly every story becoming a warning about the dangers and pitfalls of living long past your allotted time.  

William Campbell’s Dead Forever novel series takes a different approach.  Campbell seeks to utilize the concept of everlasting physical life—and the knowledge associated with it—as a way to deepen the intrigue and raise the stakes in a battle between individual freedoms and hegemonic domination.  The first novel in the series, Awakening, mostly succeeds in this goal, but is hampered by a somewhat sluggish plot arc and character dialogue that could have used some refinement.